Having doubts about his love for Mary, on January 1, 1841, Abe called off their wedding. "During the summer of 1842, after the couple had gone nearly eighteen months without personal contact, mutual friends conspired to bring Mary and Abraham back together."
Source: Doris Kearns Goodwin. Team of Rivals: The Political Genius of Abraham Lincoln. page 101.

 

Wedding Date:
After dating again secretly, with just a day's notice, Mary and Abe were married on the evening of November 4, 1842 in Springfield, Illinois in the parlor of the home of her sister, Elizabeth Edwards. Mary wore a wedding dress that belonged to her sister Frances and she wore a pearl necklace.

 

Rev. Charles Dresser, an Episcopal minister, performed the wedding ceremony that included two bridesmaids. Neither Mary's or Abraham's parents attended the wedding.

 

Mary's gold wedding ring was inscribed with the words "A.L. to Mary, Nov. 4, 1842. Love is eternal."

 

Abraham's nickname for Mary was "Molly." After their first two sons were born, he called Mary "Mother." Mary called Abe "Mr. Lincoln." They shared a love of poetry and politics.

 

HER: They say we're young and we don't know
We won't find out until we grow
HIM: Well I don't know if all that's true
'Cause you got me, and baby I got you

BOTH: Abe
I got you Abe
I got you Abe

HER: They say our love won't pay the rent
Before it's earned, our money's all been spent
HIM: I guess that's so, we don't have a pot <JLJ - don't have what we ought>
But at least I'm sure of all the things we got

BOTH: Abe

I got you Abe
I got you Abe

HIM: I got flowers in the spring
I got you to wear my ring
HER: And when I'm sad, you're a clown
And if I get scared, you're always around

HER: Don't let them say your hair's too long
'Cause I don't care, with you I can't go wrong
HIM: Then put your little hand in mine
There ain't no hill or mountain we can't climb

BOTH: Abe
I got you Abe
I got you Abe

HIM: I got you to hold my hand
HER: I got you to understand
HIM: I got you to walk with me
HER: I got you to talk with me
I got you to kiss goodnight
I got you to hold me tight
I got you, I won't let go
I got you to love me so

BOTH: I got you Abe
I got you Abe
I got you Abe
I got you Abe
I got you Abe 

 

Historians agree that Mary and Abraham had a troubled and stormy marriage. Here's a look at some of the issues and problems in their marriage.

 

Travel and Mary's Emotional/Physical Health: Throughout their marriage, Abe would travel for as much as six months out of a year. Mary perceived Abe's travels as abandonment. We can only wonder if his travels were a way of protecting himself from Mary's uncontrollable shopping, her irrational fears of dogs, lightning storms, burglars, etc. and from her migraine headaches that left her bedridden for days on end.

 

Mary was self-centered, had a violent temper, eccentric behavior, disturbing mood swings, and suffered from depression and exhaustion. As the years passed, Abe grew more distant and withdrawn from Mary.

 

Communication Styles: When they argued, Mary yelled, screamed, and threw things. Abe just walked away. Mary liked to talk and chattered on and on while Abraham was quiet and silent.

 

Differences: Mary and Abe had different personalities and opposing temperaments. They both struggled with depression. Mary was used to luxury while Abe had a background of poverty and hardship. Mary was well educated and Abe had little formal schooling.

 

Finances: Mary often lived beyond their means. Shopping was the way Mary would calm herself. She often kept her reckless spending from Abe. Even when she over spent what Congress had allowed her spend on re-doing the White House, she tried padding the accounts and appropriating money from other funds so that Abe wouldn't know the truth.

    Mary's sister: "Her chief enjoyment consists in purchasing and storing."
    Source: PBS.org, Abraham and Mary Lincoln: A House Divided

    "The horrors of the Civil War, domestic bereavement, and the fact that she was not accepted socially in Washington, then largely a city of Southerners, made Mrs. Lincoln's White House years unhappy. She vented her frustrations in an orgy of spending - buying handsome clothes and beautiful accessories for herself and elegant furnishings for the White House."
    Source: Smithsonian. First Ladies Hall. no page #.

   

Abe Lincoln on learning of Mary's over spending while redecorating the White House: "It never can have my approval ... It would stink in the nostrils of the American people to have it said that the President of the United States had approved a bill overrunning an appropriation of $20,000 for flub-dubs for this damned old house when the soldiers cannot have blankets ... The house was furnished well enough, better than any one we ever lived in ... Well, I suppose Mrs. Lincoln must bear the blame, let her bear it, I swear I won't!"
    Source: PBS.org, Abraham and Mary Lincoln: A House Divided

 

After Willy's death, Mary retreated more into herself showing signs of instability and imbalance. Along with believing that Willy and Eddy visited her at night, Mary went on irrational shopping sprees.

    "Mary continued to try to find comfort in possessions. She bought new dresses, hats ... it was said that in three months, she purchased 300 pairs of gloves. Many of her purchases were never even unpacked."
    Source: PBS.org, Abraham and Mary Lincoln: A House Divided

 

After she left the White House, Mary's debt deepened. She was not given a pension from the government until 1870.

 

Expectations: Mary had said during her courtship with Abraham that she wanted to marry a man who would be President someday. She had expectations of supporting her husband in his political role and being his Chief Advisor. Although she was supportive and listened to Abe as he talked about politics, her role was limited to being a good hostess and writing letters for him.

 

Jealousy: Mary was very jealous of Abe and could go out of control in the midst of being upset.

    After Mary made a scene at a Grand Review of the Union army: "It is true however that Mary worried about flirtations, even when they didn't exist ... It was the first really open public display of their differences that they had ever permitted themselves since he became President ... After her humiliating outburst, Mary Lincoln did not leave her cabin for three days. The President explained she wasn't feeling well. Then, he sent her home to Washington."
    Source: PBS.org, Abraham and Mary Lincoln: A House Divided