either you're closing your eyes To a situation you do not wish to acknowledge Or you are not aware
of the caliber of disaster indicated By the presence of a web-browser in your community.
That window with the underlined links is a devil's tool! ...
Trouble with a capital "T" And that rhymes with "B" and that stands for browser...
Certain Hollywood producers are considering a script for the re-make of the movie Music Man, but
set in 2008.
Con-artist Harold Hill visits the now-modern town of River City, Iowa, and notices the arrival
of high-speed Internet fiber-optic connections and the increasing use of web browsers at the public library.
Harold's initial attempt to sell a "boys band" was unsuccessful due to the availability of musical
instrument rentals at local music stores.
After hearing from a boy named Winthrop that some of the children play "virtual" instruments in
an Internet-based rock band, Harold then gets the idea to sell River City residents a "virtual" boys band and "virtual" instruments
that are played over the Internet. He even has his special "click system" for teaching music. His only concern is to
stay away from River City Information Technology specialist Marian Paroo so that she won't discover he has no musical
or networking skills.
Marian discovers that Harold knows nothing about music or the networking required to put such
a band together (Harold could not have graduated from the Gary Information Technology Conservatory in the class of
2005 because it did not exist until 2006). Nevertheless, she sets up a chat room on the River City Municipal Web Server
so that the children can meet and practice their virtual instruments.
Mayor Shinn is leading a meeting in the high school gym to decide what to do with Harold, asking,
"Where's the band? Where's the band?" Tommy enters as a drum major, followed by the kids in uniform holding laptop computers
containing their "virtual" instruments. Marian urges Harold to lead the band, and when he does, he is rewarded with unanticipated
redemption: uncritical parents (some holding video cameras) marvel and cheer as the River City "Virtual" Boys' Band performs
the "Virtual" Minuet in G. Harold is released into Marian's arms, and everyone lives happily ever after.
The failed rewrite of "ya got trouble" by a third-rate song writer doomed the entire project from
the start, and the script has to date not found a producer.
Harold: Now Marce, I need some ideas... If I'm going to
get your town out of the serious trouble it's in.
Marcellus: River City ain't in any trouble.
Harold: We'll then have to create some. Must create a
desperate need in your town for a boys' band. So why does everybody keep rubbering into the public library?
Marcellus: Well they just got in a new Internet browser.
Harold: Must have seen a web browser before.
Marcellus: Not with a high-speed fiber optic connection.
Harold: That'll do it. You just sit where you are, and remember if
you see that Information Technology professional...
Harold: Are you Mr. Dunlop?
Dunlop: Yeah?
Harold: Well, either you're closing your eyes To a situation you do not wish to acknowledge Or
you are not aware of the caliber of disaster indicated By the presence of a web-browser in your community.
Well, ya got trouble, my friend.
Right here, I say trouble right here in River City. Why sure I'm an Internet surfer, Certainly mighty proud to
say I'm always mighty proud to say it. I consider that the hours I spend With a mouse in my hand are golden. Help
you cultivate horse sense And a cool head and a keen eye. Didja ever take an' try an' give An iron-clad
leave to yourself From an e-bay auction bid? But just as I say, It takes judgment, brains, and maturity to win In
a Yahoo game, I say that any boob can take And click a mouse on a link. And they call that sloth. The first
big step on the road To the depths of deg-ra-Day-- I say, first, medicinal wine from a teaspoon, Then beer from a
bottle. An' the next thing ya know, Your son is clickin' at links On a Firefox Browser. And list'nin to some big
out-a-town Jasper Hearin' him tell about football gamblin'. Not a wholesome sportin' game, no! But a league
where they set up fantasy teams! Like to see some made-up New York team Draftin' Bret Favre? Make your blood boil? Well,
I should say. Friends, lemme tell you what I mean. Ya got one, two, three, four, five, six links on a page. Pages
that mark the diff'rence Between a gentlemen and someone dumb, With a capital "D," And that rhymes with "B" and that
stands for browser!
And all week long your River City Youth'll be fritterin' away, I say your young men'll be fritterin! Fritterin
away their noontime, suppertime, choretime too! Clickin the mouse-arrow on the links, Never mind gittin' spammer
e-mail pulled Or the O-S patched or the mal-ware pounded. Never mind settin' up the downloads 'Til
your parents are caught with the TIVO empty On a Saturday night and that's trouble, Oh, yes we got lots and lots
a' trouble. I'm thinkin' of the kids in the saggy pants, Shirt-tail young ones, peekin' on the Internet browser after
school, look, folks! Right here in River City. Trouble with a capital "T" And that rhymes with "B" and that stands
for browser!
Now, I know all you folks are the right kinda parents. I'm gonna be perfectly frank. Would ya like to know
what kinda conversation goes On while they're loafin' around that browser? They're tryin' out CNN, tryin' out DRUDGE, Tryin'
out YAHOO and clickin on GOOGLE! And braggin' all about How they're gonna cover up the web-cache with "clear-all". One
fine night, they leave the web-browser, Headin' for the meet-up at the Arm'ry! Libertine men and Scarlet women! And
techno, shameless music That'll grab your son and your daughter into the arms of a jungle animal instinct! Massteria! Friends,
the idle brain is the devil's playground, trouble!
People: Oh we got trouble, Right here in River City
Right here in River City With a capital "T" That rhymes with "B" And that stands for browser, That
starts the Clicking. We surely got trouble
We surely got trouble Right here in River City, Right here!
Gotta figure out a way To keep the young ones moral after school! Trouble, trouble, trouble, trouble,
trouble...
Harold: Mothers of River City! Heed this warning before it's too late! Watch for
the tell-tale sign of corruption! The minute your son leaves the house, Does he use words like LOL? Is there a mouse-click
callus on his index-finger? A suspect URL placed in the Bookmarks? Is he starting to memorize jokes from Comedy
Central and Joke of the Day? Are certain words creeping into his conversation? Words like 'ROTFLMAO?" "IMHO" And
'FWIW?" Well, if so my friends,
Ya got trouble,
Oh, we got trouble Right here in River city
Right here in River city With a capital "T" And that rhymes with "B" And that stands for Browser. We've surely
got trouble!
We surely got trouble Right here in River City
Right here
Remember the Maine, Plymouth Rock and the Golden Rule! Oho, we've got trouble. We're in terrible, terrible
trouble. That window with the underlined links is a devil's tool! Yes we got trouble, trouble, trouble!
Oh, yes, we got trouble, trouble, trouble With a "T"! With a capital "T"
Gotta rhyme it with "B"!
That rhymes with "B" And that stands for Browser!!!
