Nixon: I'm thinking of taking a vacation to Ely, Nevada, you know, Pat's birthplace.

 

Haldeman: okay -that's fine. Now, on the investigation, you know, the Democratic break-in thing, we're back to the-in the, the problem area because the FBI is not under control, because (FBI Director Pat) Gray doesn't exactly know how to control them, and they have, their investigation is now leading into some productive areas...

 

Nixon: That's right. But let's not talk about that now. Take a look at this, what I've written, these.. these lyrics.

 

Haldeman: Now you know, you know I don't approve of those song lyrics. It is... it is not a Presidential thing to do, and those lyrics are sort of...

 

Nixon: That's right.

 

Haldeman: ...sort of weird. I hope that no one ever hears you singing those lyrics. In fact what usually happens is something beyond what you thought was the worst.

 

Nixon: But that's why I come here, to the Old Executive Office Building hideaway office, so I can work on these lyrics, and this one is ... it is kinda good. Now I am going to... when you get in these people when you...get these people in, asking about the song lyrics, say: "Look, the problem is that this will open the whole, the whole Bay of Pigs thing, and the President just feels that" ah, without going into the details... don't, don't lie to them to the extent to say there are no song lyrics, but just say this is sort of a comedy of errors, bizarre, without getting into it, "the President believes that it is going to open the whole Bay of Pigs thing up again. And, ah because these people are plugging for, for keeps and that they should call the FBI in and say that we wish for the country, don't go any further into this case", period!

Haldeman:   OK

Nixon:   That's the way to put it, do it straight (Unintelligible)

Haldeman: Now sir, don't... don't get up on the desk.  Let's just read those lyrics, you know, you can just read them to me and then we can be done with them.

 

Nixon: All right, fine, Bob, you know that I have to do this, I have to do this and you know that these song lyrics are what holds me together... Now start the music...

 

Haldeman: Where's the... is it over here? OK, I've got the umm (sounds of music playing) recording going now, the one with the loud pulsing music that you like to dance to...

 

Nixon: okay here goes...

 

Haldeman: I can't believe this... this is just, just (unintelligible)

 

Nixon: (rapping, in the style of The Last Poets) Sock it to me... sock it to me... sock it sock it sock it to me.

I'm Dick Nixon, ain't no fiction,

Everything about me is a contra, contradiction

I'm a planner, in a conservative manner, I'm in control put that in a big banner.

I'm not a crook, I wrote the book,

In the Watergate I went in, just took a look,

I know from Felt, he's got a deep-throated voice

No need to melt, we'll just pay off their invoice

I'll win the election, I did my detection,

the other guy is for acid, amnesty, and the support of some other section

The voters will say more than maybe, I'm their billion dollar baby,

There's the risk that one electoral vote will go to a lady...

There was a break and enter, I was the dissenter, I said

no need for an office sweep front and center

Make it an inside job, no need for a rob,

Find someone to bribe from his mob...

 

Haldeman: Sir I think that you should, that's not, that's not...

 

Nixon: ...Went through a drawer, but tape on a door, made them all lie down on the floor,

busted, not to be trusted, the pick for the lock needs to be adjusted,

G Gordon Liddy, doesn't seem to be giddy, has the brains of a kindergarten kiddie,

The bug wouldn't work, they all went berserk, they went back in with a smirk,

Bundles of cash, they were supposed to flash, take some pictures and dash

Cops undercover, they were discovered, put back on the lens cover,

the Watergate, I'm your chief of state, clean it after you clean your dinner plate

 

Haldeman: Stop it! (music stops playing)

Nixon: I mean there were some, there were some intricacies in this, that only (unclear) would understand.

Haldeman: I got those. And I want to get the (unclear word), cause there are some things to work on from there that. And don't use the word "fiction" at the front. Maybe, what rhymes with, with Nixon?

Nixon: (trying words to rhyme) bixon? cixon? d- I just start at the front of the alphabet, you know, a, b, c, and so forth, and try to find words that, its, its not hard you should, you just start at... Well, there are no rules.

Haldeman: Can you use "diction" somehow? That is, perhaps the better word to use there, at the front of it, the start of that, I mean.

Nixon: It will never--it would never fly.

Haldeman: Never fly.

Nixon: I think it is good (noise) frankly, to consider these various options. So that, that would be the, the clean way, Right?

Haldeman: Uh,...

Nixon: Is that really you're..you, you really go so far as to recommend that?

Haldeman: That...no, I wouldn't. I don't think, I don't think necessarily that's the cleanest way. I mean, and I must, I must be perfectly honest, I haven't really thought through that alternative. I've moved to the point that we've certainly got to take a, a harder look at the other alternative, which we haven't before. Uh, so, uh, uh, to open this up again now, it just would be terrible. There's no...

Nixon: The other alternatives.

Haldeman: The other alternatives. Right. And I, and I could recommend that to you. Do you think you want to?

Nixon: The, uh--Now, uh, we could--Have you considered any other poss--, have you considered the other, all other possibilities you see here? You, you're the one who is supposed to--

Haldeman: That's right. I think we, I think we've had a good go-round on--  The sooner you do it, the better off you're going to be, aren't you?

Nixon:  Fair enough. All Right. I'll change it. I'll change it. Fine, but God bless ya, boy, God bless you, I love you. You, you know.

Haldeman: Okay.

Nixon: Hope I didn't let you down.

Haldeman: No sir, you got your points over, and now you, now you're, you've got it set right and move on. You're in right where you ought to be.

Nixon: Do you think that Pat (Nixon) knows that I do this? Do you think she knows?

 

Haldeman: I think so. I don't think she knows the details, but I think she knows.

 

Nixon: Do you think we can get Mark Felt to do some lyrics? Do you think that he would like doing this sort of thing? What about Pat Gray, ah, you mean he doesn't want to?

Haldeman:   Pat does want to. He doesn't know how to, and he doesn't have, he doesn't have any basis for doing it. Given this, he will then have the basis. He'll call Mark Felt in, and the two of them ...and Mark Felt wants to cooperate because...

Nixon:   Yeah.

Haldeman:   he's ambitious...

Nixon:   Yeah. Maybe he's a ...bum.

Haldeman: Isn't that ridiculous though?

Nixon: What is?

Haldeman: This silly ass damn thing.

Nixon: Yeah. I’ll tell you what this takes. This takes 18 hours a day. It takes devotion and dedication and loyalty and devilishness such as you’ve never seen, Bob. I’ve never worked as hard in my life and I’ll never work as hard again because I don’t have the energy. But this is a hell of a great opportunity because here is what it is.

Haldeman: All right. I'll call him. He said he -- he had been calling me and that he had a quite a few disappointments, he said. But, anyway, I think he's working on it and he will continue to work on it. Well that, you know it, it sounds easy to do, apparently, until, uh, everyone is out there doing it and that's where our breakdown has, has come every time.

Nixon: And he, however, is apparently not doing much. Uh, uh, uh, well, we ought to review this, this situation with regard to the song lyrics.

Haldeman:   Well, we had, there's, there's lots of problems and they're responsible for a lot of them.

Nixon:   Right, fine. How about the politics? Can you --

Haldeman:   They say the only way to do that is from White House instructions. And it's got to be to Helms and, ah, what's his name...? Walters.

Nixon:   Walters.

Haldeman:   And the proposal would be that Ehrlichman (coughs) and I call them in

Nixon:   All right, fine.

Haldeman:   and say, ah... (expletive deleted)

Nixon:   We have a damn near insoluble problem. Now, the main thing is whether the Laird group will get into it. Here’s what I have in mind, and I’ve got to get [Tom Charles] Huston or somebody fast, but either Huston or somebody like Huston fast. That’s why the—on the Dick Allen thing.  I think you’ve got to take Dick Allen on the mountaintop and see if he wants to handle this. Who said that he didn’t? You didn’t think he was the right guy, or somebody didn’t. John didn’t, I think, or somebody, because he’s too—

Bob Haldeman: Well, Dick doesn’t think he is.

Nixon: Dick Allen doesn’t? OK.

Haldeman: He’ll come—on the short term, though, we can get Allen in right now and get him—

Nixon: Yeah.

Haldeman: Get him pulling some people together who can do it.

Nixon: Under the circumstances, I think the best thing to do is to just, uh, relax and enjoy it. Say, why don't you pass me that jar of nuts over there.

Haldeman: Okay, I'll just, hold on.

Nixon: The lid is just well screwed on is it? Is that the problem?

Haldeman: No, it's under pressure, apparently, someone has been applying pressure, and as it got more pressure, it's been harder to move...

Nixon: Pressure from Mitchell?

Haldeman: Apparently.

Nixon: Say Bob, I've got this crossword puzzle going, and I need a 14-letter word, starting with U-N, and it means, umm, being such that understanding or comprehension is difficult or impossible; incomprehensible. Got any ideas?

Haldeman: (unintelligible)

Nixon: Well, it's been fun hanging out here, but I think that we ought to get back to some business.

Haldeman: Well, it's, it isn't really that--

Nixon: It's a limited hang out.

Haldeman: It's a limited hang out.

Nixon: It's a modified limited hang out.

Haldeman: (unintelligible)

Nixon:    Now Bob, let's get back to your earlier idea, write this down, but first, be sure that this office, my Executive Office Building office is thoroughly checked for bugs at all times, we can't risk anyone doing that sort of thing, and now, now what is our counterattack? We need a PR offensive to top this. Hit the opposition with their activities.... Do they justify this less than stealing Pentagon Papers? We should be on the attack for diversion.

The transcription ends...

Nixon himself has this to say in an April 29, 1974 televised news conference:

Incidentally, these transcripts—covering hours upon hours of conversations— should place in somewhat better perspective the controversy over the 18 1/2 minute gap in the tape of a conversation I had with Mr. Haldeman back in June of 1972.

Now, how it was caused is still a mystery to me and, I think, to many of the experts as well. But I am absolutely certain, however, of one thing: that it was not caused intentionally by my secretary, Rose Mary Woods, or any of my White House assistants. And certainly, if the theory were true that during those 18 1/2 minutes, Mr. Haldeman and I cooked up some sort of a Watergate coverup scheme, as so many have been quick to surmise, it hardly seems likely that in all of our subsequent conversations—many of them are here— which neither of us ever expected would see the light of day, there is nothing remotely indicating such a scheme; indeed, quite the contrary.